I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
