we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
