Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
