fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
