i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
