I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
now i know why i became what i already was.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I did not marry a roomba.
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