Hey man sorry I got all grabby
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
