Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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