also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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