GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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