Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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