Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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