it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
that is very illegal...i love you.
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