Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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