she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
