Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
