My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
