I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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