you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she told me i tasted like america
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
