Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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