Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize