I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
