on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
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Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
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First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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