I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
