I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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