You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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