I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
