I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
