Apparently you make a good broom.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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