I wish my penis had an off switch
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
