Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
