Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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