ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
