Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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