i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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