Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
