hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
