watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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