The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
