I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
