Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
