I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
