proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
