I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
