How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
