my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
