god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
