You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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