you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I touched a dick in church today
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
