this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
