Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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