i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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