I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
