so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
