It's Friday. Sex?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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