You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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