when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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